Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
