Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
