i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
