So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
