You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
