I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
