Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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