I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
