the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
