Tell her she can't have a vagina
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
