I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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