Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
