I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
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