New invention idea: vibrating tampons
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
