His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My balls are so social today.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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