I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me