does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS