before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.