i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
