You really coming over, don't trick.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
