if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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