i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
