MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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