she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
