It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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