If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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