I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
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Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
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I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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