so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
