Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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