I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
