he told me I talked like a deaf person
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just sucked dick on a ferry