***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
third nipple confirmed
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s