Don't make out with my wife yet
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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