Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
