if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
