That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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