Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I still have a little drunk in my system
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
