Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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