You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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