Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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