a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
