Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
