walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
