my shit smells like andre
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
