you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
