my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
