also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
