Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
