he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
