you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
