Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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