Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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