She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
