I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.