I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.