shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
