I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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