is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
this is an emotional support booty call
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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