I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
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If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
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She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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