i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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