I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
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It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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