when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine