Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
