GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
