she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have feelings that need drinking.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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